I have felt a lot of emotions lately, and all of them are being warded off by the constant thought of "Carrie, chill out and let the healthcare teams do their job. Do your part. Stay home. Stop worrying about that tickle in your throat. Stop complaining. Stop being upset about it. All you have to do is sit - alter your life for a bit and let this thing do its thing." And for the most part, it's a quick fix for me. I take a deep breath, gather myself, and get on with the day.
But Wednesday, I looked at my dancers through the screen and said "Ya know, this sucks." Some started wiping away tears. I told them, "You know, you can say it with me - this sucks." We all sorta felt better after that. Then we danced in our own spaces, as if we had put out into the atmosphere what everyone was feeling. I told them that it was ok to come to terms with this new normal - to welcome the feelings that they had - and maybe it would make peace with itself. They were listening, and so was I.
Today is my Dad's birthday. He would celebrate a new decade today - 60. I haven't seen him in 18 years. I knew him alive for 18 years - and now I've spent 18 years without him. He always had wise words for me, and I wonder what he'd say here. He'd smile that smile that 18 years won't take away, and he'd tell me to trust. I taught for 6 hours today outside to an iPad screen, and I couldn't help but notice the beautiful red birds that kept coming to visit. I believe he celebrated his day with me, and applauded me as I took a whole heap of a mess and tried to dredge forward the best way that I knew how. And after I finished, I started to wonder if this whole heap of a mess was my turn to grow. Yes Carrie, it is.
We miss our family. We miss our friends. We miss our church. We miss our school. I miss my dancers. And that's real, and that's ok. My boys miss their buddies. Grayson misses his Pre-K teacher. He told me last night that if he saw her again, he would always make sure to hug her good-bye. Briggsy asked me "Mom, when this is all over with, can we throw a big party? I want to see everyone I love." - Yes Briggsy, when we can, that's a great idea. BK3 told me last week that he's excited to plan his birthday party. He's been talking about it every day - I think he's starting to understand that the month of May might look exactly like this. But it's his way of being hopeful, and I'm here for that too. We are becoming more sentimental. We are enjoying the stillness more. We are noticing what growth is needed inside this whole heap of a mess that we see on the surface. This whole heap that WAS on the surface. These weeks are filled with cleaning out, trimming up, tossing out, spending less and that whole heap is getting smaller while the emotions of adjustment are getting more wild. Let this thing do its thing. I'm learning. I'm here for the emotions if the whole heap continues to lessen. I see the light at the end of our tunnel, while really, we are just "sitting" - a much bigger problem is tackled by the people who are strong enough and smart enough to handle it. So we all take our seat on this journey. We all rummage through the heaps. We all feel the emotions of the last 3 weeks. We all share our heaps and become bound by them - maybe that is what we are here to learn. Let's take the ride together.
No comments:
Post a Comment