I blinked, and it's November 1.
Settling in is still a work in progress. We enrolled Miller in a 3 day program at our favorite little school, and he has come alive feeling like a big boy. I'm finding these 3 days of each week to provide the much needed balance in my life - not to mention QUIET I need to focus and run a business, a family, and a house. Did I say focus? Because that went out the door in March. Silly me. Miller gets to go a full day - glorious! I drop the big boys off at 7:25 am, wrap around Government, and head back up Florida for his 8:00 am carpool. I pick him up at the front door of the school for 2:15 sharp, and we head to get the big boys for 2:30 and 3:00. He always greets me at the front door with a scream as he rips off the teacher's arm to get to me. I smile through my mask, grab his hand, and we head out. We usually skip or hop to the curb, and since we have to cross a parking lot to get to the car, we pause. I say "Look both ways, Mil," as I try to instill an important habit into his 2-year-old mind. At first, he ignored me and yanked my arm without success. But after several days and my diligence, he stops. "No cars, Mommy" and I sigh with relief that it's working. Baby steps - small victories - that's what we ride on these days.
The world shut down 7 1/2 months ago, and although we beg for some realness, we are still getting slammed with the reminder that our past "real" may need a permanent transformation. Nothing is the same. Lysol is scarce, signs saying "Limit 1" accompany every cleaning aisle in stores, a basket of masks sits next to our book bags for school, and we hesitate before a hug, unsure of "if we can." I have days where I am motivated to do everything I can to keep my family physically safe, while other days are filled with keeping our hearts full instead. There are moments when I have a full on conversation with myself - two different opinions to keep in mind - all inside my one self. I should've named this "alternate viewpoint" by now, as she is becoming more and more vocal and frankly annoying the crap out of me. Do we feel safe? Are we making the right moves? Is this real life? Stop complaining - things could be worse...Ok you're right - I'll stop. Look both ways.
Maybe it's the fact that Mother Nature decides to throw us 5 hurricanes this season? Because if you weren't sure if you washed the family mask loot or if the snacks you sent to school were covid-approved, maybe you should also think about that grocery run, gasoline, generator readiness, water stash, and tree removal because something's going to hit Louisiana on Wednesday, and right now I'm focused on bringing #2 to football practice. Can I do that? No? Ok, pivot turn, let's get ready. But did you vote? Because that's happening too. We are resilient this year. Some are handling this better than others, and I believe we should open our eyes and our arms. I find myself unsuccessfully tugging the arm that's guiding me - my attempt to move in MY direction is halting the bigger and better, while Heaven is hollering LOOK BOTH WAYS child! I really should.
A dear friend called on Wednesday to check on us after Zeta was due to arrive, and I was grateful to report the minimal effects for our area. I sighed and confessed how I was well aware that I should be enjoying the simple things in my life during this season, but damnit it's getting hard. How every day one side of me is aggravated with the adjustment while the other side of me coaches with motivation and positivity. She reminded me that there's a time for everything and every emotion. I'm learning that God wants ALL of who we are through this. Both ways, both sides, both sets of emotions. The good, the bad and the ugly. He wants me to have hope, and He understands my need to toss my hands up and say "F it!" Look both ways. Focus on all of our areas that need Him, because He wants all of who we are.
So today- November 1. We added an hour of time to this 2020 that everyone seems to wish away. I added a few extra snuggles and extra minutes of one on one conversation with each boy today. I'm adding more grace to the equation. I'm adding more pause to take it all in. I'm looking both ways - or maybe all the ways - and not with caution like Miller's lesson, but with a heart that is ready to experience the journey wherever that guiding hand takes me. I'll stop tugging, because maybe I'm supposed to enjoy something I could've never imagined before. And that's enough for me.
 |
| Miller & Grayson; sharing books & bedtime |
