I once read an article on how "moms of 3 are the most stressed out of all moms." Not only did it catch my eye long enough for a quick read-through, but people started tagging me with remarks like "just have another", "see, go for the girl.", etc.etc.etc. I prayed for Miller the entire half a year that we tried to conceive as well as the 9 months he spent in my womb. I knew God would gift us with his life, but it was hard to trust the timing. I knew that, just like all children, God would make him special and unique. And I didn't realize that indeed, the fourth, would change ME.
My 3 boys always matched. Not to be cute - but so that I could always locate them. Hell, even Daddy would join in on the colors half the time and not even know it. It was like a 6th sense...still is. And it surely makes it easy to track em down at the fair or tailgate. I'm glad they were cute too, but the idea that I always knew what color to look for at the Easter egg hunt topped all other positives. Now that big Tim-Tim came along, I'm just lucky we're all clothed. WE. Yes, we. Briggs gave Miller that name, by the way, and we like it.
With Brannan's help, I kept clothing sizes organized, (not neat, organized), everyone always had proper supplies, sports equipment, a bag lunch when they needed it, church shoes that fit, hair cuts, dr checkups, vaccines, prayers, and a whole lot of love. Now, I'm lucky to keep those last 3 in check: vaccines, prayers, and love. My focus has shifted. And I'm ok with it. I've told several people that our fourth child has made no real difference from three. And that's a true statement. The chaos of three is an adjustment like no other. So tossing a fourth into the mix is just that...still chaos. But aside from the noise of 4 boys age 7 and under comes a peace that my grip is gone. Peace. Because my grip was traded for Grace.
Thankfully so, too. Because an entire 3 weeks of lice treatments almost broke me. These guys are averaging a load of laundry a day, 5 gallons of milk a week, floors that need vacuuming EVERY day, and nerf bullets that will be the death of me and the mobile almost-1-year-old.
AND WHY DOES EVERYTHING SMELL LIKE PEE!????
Everywhere - PEE. I mopped the entire first floor of my house last week with double the pine-sol to water ratio. It did nothing. I sat down in my bathroom to hide from Grayson for just 3 minutes, and the smell lurked like the 4 year old that I was trying to escape...terrible. I know. But the toilet is the place. It's times like that where God gives me the gift of a deep breath and a giggle. Where I remember to thank Him for the joys of this life. Because loss hurts. And the closer you are to Him, the closer you are to those you miss. In that deep breath, I know that I'm doing just as I'm meant to do. Not that women are all "meant to work in the home, clean, be a mother, etc." But that He has called me to be a marching force with the gifts He has so graciously given me. The gift of being a wife, a mother, and a teacher. The gift of raising children, in hopes of putting better people into this world. The gift of being a woman. I read an article once about "praising Him through our everyday works...like dishes." Any mama who needs a high five from me, just ask. It's yours.
Losing my grip, gaining Grace. I made 3 resolutions for the 2018-19 school year and haven't kept a one of them. And that's ok.
My four need my mind, my guidance, my cooking, my help with homework, and my prayer. I'm learning that my four need my energy, my whole heart, my forgiveness, and my patience. Letting the grip release allows me to see their tiny hearts and minds as they are - individuals - all asking for our strength in different ways.
Don't get me wrong, the three cabinets to the left of the fireplace are atrocious. In my perfectly imagined world, I'd organize them tomorrow. But I'm sure somebody will wake up with croup cough or a nose will need to be suctioned every hour on the hour. And the first of 4 nerf bullet walk-throughs will commence around 6:05 am. I'll sing praises on my way home from carpools for JUST the croup cough and JUST the runny noses and nothing worse. Those cabinets can wait. Because life needs navigating. We're all just walking one another home. And I'm just glad my "grip" transformed - no longer holding tight to those things that controlled me. Instead, grabbing onto the Grace that makes it all beautiful.
